This article will hopefully help out a few guys who are interested in getting to know a few more female acquiantances, or who are interested in that one girl who they can’t get around to because of shyness, fear of rejection, or simple lack of knowledge of what to say.
One important thing to keep in mind beforehand is that women don’t necessarily judge a man by his looks. That is, if you aren’t the prettiest-looking guy, this shouldn’t discourage you. For long-term relationships, the first three things that women look for in a man are: (1) personality (2) humor, and (3) brains (Allan and Barbera Pease, Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes). So really, if you can start off a conversation with a woman, and keep her interested, she will give you a chance to prove to her that you have whatever it is she is interested in. Notice that for long-term relationships, looks don’t play a part for her, at least for the majority of women.
Approach smoothly, smile, and don’t be straightforward in your approach.
Men like to get straight to the point. Ideally, a man would love it if a woman would come up to him, and say “I find you attractive and would love to date you”. That’s straight to the point without any off-topic chat. In fact, studies have shows that if a man approaches a woman and says something along the lines of “I find you attractive, will you go to bed with me tonight?”, 0% of the women say ‘yes’. Men on the other hand, on most occasions replied with “yes”.
So this goes to say that as a guy, you should NEVER approach a woman starting off with a “Hi, what’s your name”, or “Hey, I’m Billy”. Although this isn’t as fatal as asking them to go to bed with you, this still sounds a bit awkward, and the woman will be a little turned-off. She will think you lack social skills (since for her, you shouldn’t approach directly), or just desperate to find a companion. If you think about it, that’s exactly what it sounds like!
———-> Instead, find something you and her have in common, and start off with that. So if you see her reading that big book that took you a month to finish, ask her “Hey, I noticed you are reading _______, how are you liking it? I just finished reading it a week ago!”. If she responds with a smile, or continues the conversation, you know you caught her attention. If on the other hand, she responds with quick answers, like “I liked it”, and then continues on her way, that’s her sign she is not interested. Keep in mind this doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you – maybe she isn’t interested in guys at the moment and is focused on her studies, or maybe she already has a boyfriend. Either way, get back to your job at hand and forget her, there are plenty of other fish in the seas for you catch.
———-> Now you don’t necessarily have to find something you two have in common. If you don’t see anything you guys share (again, it could be the class you are in, or book you are both reading), you can find something peculiarly flashing about her, and comment on that. There always happen to be these girls who just stand out from everyone else – they either wear different colored socks, color their hair in a color you’ve never seen before, or wear this coat and scarf on a sunny day. Maybe this is an extreme, and the girl you have in mind doesn’t wear any of it, but whatever it is, come up and compliment her, naturally. Don’t act interested, be interested. If you like her unique style, that’s great – you can be genuine in your approach. But if not, just say that you like her unique style of standing out, or maybe just her dress she is wearing. Anything along those lines. Anything to get a conversation going. If she doesn’t respond the way you hoped for at first – with a smile, and longer answers – don’t quit just yet. Ask her a question or two before you give up.
———-> The questions you ask could vary depending on the circumstances. At a bus stop for example, if the both of you are waiting, ask her if she knows what time the bus comes. If she responds promptly without interest, don’t give up yet. Ask her again if perhaps she knows of any other routes that could get you to your destination, or if there is any store nearby that you could go to since you are hungry and are tired of waiting for the bus. If she responds promptly again without a smile and quickly goes back to whatever she is doing, that’s her way of saying she isn’t interested, and you should move on. Remember to smile while you are asking though, so she gets the hint that you are interested in becoming acquianted with her!
Usually you will know that she is interested if she gives you something to talk about, knowing you will catch on. So if you ask her “Do you know what time the bus comes?”, and she responds with “Yeah, should come every half-hour, but it takes so long!”, that’s her way of giving you a chance to continue the conversation. This is her way of saying she is not rejecting you, and may be interested. So you could now start a whole range of topics about her “but it takes so long!”. You could talk about how when you lived in another city, or a few years back, the buses would come every 15 minutes instead. Or you could say how there must be another way to get through the city, buses take up too much of your time! Or you could say how you should have taken taken the metro, or skytrain, or bike instead – whatever circumstance it is you are in, and whatever way matches with your age.
If you have ever been liked by a girl before, you will have realized that all of their ways are subtle. They never approach you and say they like you. They usually get their friends to hint it to you, or get your attention through subtle ways, such as coincidentally being wherever you are at all times (don’t stalk her though if you ever end up doing this!), or as minor as saying “bless you” when you sneeze quietly and you thought no one heard you. This shows that the way girls get your attention is through hidden passages, never straightward. And how can you get her attention unless you play by her rules?
The reason why you should play by the other person’s rules is actually talked about in Why Men are From Mars, and Women are From Venus. Imagine that as a guy, you are from Mars, and your customs are to punch someone whenever you want to say thank you. Kissing is absolutely rude on your planet. Now imagine that as a woman, you are from Venus, and kissing is a way of saying thank you, while punching someone is absolutely rude.
So what do you think a resident of Venus will think when a resident of Mars visits, and punches you after you give them a cake? The Venus citizen will think it an atrocity!They will kick out the invader, and think what’s wrong with them! Little do they realize that nothing is actually wrong – it’s just that different planets have different ways of saying ”thank you”.
What this goes to show is that if you want to get to know a girl, you can’t do it by the ways which you think are common-sense. So although for you, it’s right to approach in a straightforward manner, saying directly what you want, it may seem a bit fast-paced and akward to a woman.
———-> Also, try to approach with confidence. Practice if you must, but make sure that you feel confidence radiating from you when you approach – women can smell insecureness from miles away, and they don’t want a guy who isn’t confident. A good way to feel confident is to just believe that whatever you asking or talking to the woman about is something you are actually interested in or want to know. So in terms of waiting for the bus, you could believe that you really DO need to know what time the bus comes. This will lower nervousness since you know that you are approaching not because you like her, but because you need to know for yourself when the bus will actually come! (If you already know when the bus comes, asking will clarify whether you are right about the time you thought the bus would arrive)
Play by their rules, not yours! Approach with fashion and confidence!